Help! The Thirty Leaping Lords are Scaring the Forty-Two Laying Geese

By Tom Parsons

It has been a popular Christmas song in the English-speaking world since 1780, but it probably originated in France decades earlier. It, of course, is The Twelve Days of Christmas, in which an individual's "true love" sends an enormous and expensive array of gifts over a period of twelve days.

The "twelve days" are the twelve days following Christmas, beginning with December 26 (Boxing Day in England) and ending with January 6 (Epiphany). The first seven days worth of gifts center on birds, with maids, lords, pipers and drummers rounding out the gifts.

We got to thinking, what if a zealous lover actually did send his girlfriend the gifts listed in the song on each of the twelve days? What would she have at the end of the twelfth day? We set to work figuring it out. We now tell the tale from her perspective. She is an English girl living in the countryside in the nineteenth century, and her true love is sending a daily delivery of gifts.

My family and I had a wonderful Christmas yesterday, and now we are celebrating the twelve days of Christmas. George, my fiance, has been called away, and I miss him dearly. But he said he would send me a gift each of the twelve days. That means his first gift arrives today, December 26. It just came, and I just opened it. George sent me a partridge and a pear tree for it to nest in. Very thoughtful. It will look good in our garden. I can't wait to see what he sends me tomorrow.

Well, it is December 27 now, and George's second gift just arrived. He sent me another partridge and another pear tree. He also sent me two turtle doves. So, now I have two partridges, two pear trees, and two turtle doves. Six gifts from my George's heart. Our garden sounds so lovely now with all the cooing and calling of the birds. And tomorrow he will send me another gift.

December 28 and another gift from George arrived this morning. He sent me three French hens, two turtle doves, and another partridge in a pear tree. My garden now has three French hens, four turtled doves, and three partridges in three pear trees. My. It is getting a little crowded out there in the garden. That's thirteen items George has now sent me.

The fourth day of Christmas, December 29, and quite a package arrived from George today. He sent me another partridge, another pear tree, two more turtle doves, three more French hens and four Colly birds. My little sister says they are calling birds, but actually, they are from France. They are called colly birds. So, out in the garden right now I have 24 gifts from George - four partridges, four pear trees, six turtle doves, six French hens, and four colly birds. Father wants to know why George is not sending bird seed to feed them.

Ring-necked pheasants. Five of them. That was today's gift, for the fifth day of Christmas, December 30. Along with one more partridge, one more pear tree, two more turtle doves, three more French hens and four more colly birds. There is not much room left in the garden. We now have five partridges, five pear trees, eight turtle doves, nine French hens, eight colly birds, and five golden ring-necked pheasants. Forty items. My goodness. What is George thinking about with all these birds!

It's the sixth day, December 31, the last day of the year. I was very nervous this morning as I waited for George's gift to arrive. I was pretty sure about the partridges, pear trees, turtle doves, French hens, colly birds, and golden ring-necked pheasants. But I was fearful of what George might add to the menagerie today. Well, it just arrived. I now have six partridges, six pear trees, ten turtle doves, twelve French hens, twelve colly birds, ten golden ring-necked pheasants, and six laying geese. Father says at least we'll get some eggs for breakfast out of it. That's sixty-two items George has sent me, and we're only halfway through the twelve days of Christmas.

More birds arrived today. The first day of the new year, January 1, and the seventh day of Christmas. George added seven swimming swans to his gifts today. I now have, out in the garden, in fact, spilling out of the garden, seven partridges, seven pear trees, twelve turtle doves, fifteen French hens, sixteen colly birds, fifteen golden ring-necked pheasants, twelve laying geese, and seven swans swimming in the small pond Father had to build in the garden. Eighty-five items now. Will there be more birds tomorrow? It would seem it is a certainty.

Well, at least he's moved on from birds. Oh, I got birds today, all right. We are now up to 120 birds and eight pear trees. It is the eighth day, January 2, and what did good old George send today? You'll never guess. He sent eight milking maids! Can you imagine? Eight milking maids. And that's not all. I mean, the maids have to have something to milk. That's right. Eight cows. So, I now have eight partridges, eight pear trees, fourteen turtle doves, eighteen French hens, twenty colly birds,

twenty golden ring-necked pheasants, eighteen laying geese, fourteen swimming swans, eight maids and eight cows. That's 136 items George has sent me. Father says at least we have eggs and milk so we can feed the maids omelettes. Oh, how I dread tomorrow! What more could George do? What is wrong with that man?

Dancing ladies! What on earth are we going to do with nine dancing ladies. That's just more mouths to feed. January 3, the ninth day of Christmas, and we are overun with nine partridges, nine pear trees, sixteen turtle doves, twenty French hens, twenty-four colly birds, twenty-five golden ring-necked pheasants, twenty-four laying geese, twenty-one swimming swans, sixteen maids, sixteen cows, and nine dancing ladies. That is twenty-five mouths we have to feed. Father says he's about had it with George. None of us want to see tomorrow come. It's taking more and more wagons just to deliver all the stuff to us. Oh, George, you fool. Can't you just stop now? After all, you have now sent 190 gifts.

Oh, my. George is out of his mind. Father is beside himself. Mother won't come out of her room. My little sister ran away. And now there are ten leaping lords all over the place. I mean, you can't step foot anywhere in the garden what with lords leaping all over the place, and all the droppings from birds and cows. The grand total now stands at 254 gifts. That's ten partridges, ten pear trees, eighteen turtle doves, twenty-four French hens, twenty-eight colly birds, thirty laying geese, twenty-eight swimming swans, twenty-four maids, twenty-four cows, eighteen dancing ladies and ten leaping lords! And the leaping lords are scaring the laying geese so egg production is way down. We have lots of milk, though.

January 5. The eleventh day. I hope you can hear me. It is difficult to hear because of the eleven pipers playing pipes that George sent today. We are up to 342 gifts now. The count now stands at eleven partridges, eleven pear trees, twenty turtle doves, twenty-seven French hens, thirty-two colly birds, thirty-five golden ring-necked pheasants, thirty-six laying geese, thirty-five swimming swans (the pond is like one massive swan with thirty-five heads), thirty-two maids milking thirty-two cows, twenty-seven dancing ladies who never seem to tire, twenty-two leaping lords who are driving me crazy, and now eleven pipers and eleven pipes, all playing constantly at full volume. It is a nightmare.

Thank goodness. The last day of Christmas is finally here. January 6. The gifts should stop now that the twelfth set of gifts is here. Five wagons it took to bring it all out here today. George is such an idiot. In addition to all the stuff he has sent us, today he added twelve drummers beating on twelve drums. The neighbors are threatening to take us to court because of all the noise from the twenty-two pipers and the twelve drummers, not to mention the noise - and smell - of twelve partridges in twelve pear trees, twenty-two turtle doves, thirty French hens, thirty-six colly birds, forty golden ring-necked pheasants (Father says there is another neck he would like to wring), forty-two laying geese, forty-two swimming swans, forty maids milking forty cows, thirty-six ladies dancing all over the place. In fact, the thirty-six dancing ladies are now chasing the thirty leaping lords. I'm afraid six of those dancing ladies are not going to find a man. Add to that the twenty-two pipers piping twenty-two pipes and the twelve drummers drumming on twelve drums! Oh, I have a migraine. And I'm never going to marry George.

In fact, one of those drummers doesn't look too bad. Maybe I can get him to run away with me! So, what's the total number of gifts my ex boyfriend sent to me? Oh, you figure it out. I'm out of here!

Let's add them all up.

12 partridges
12 pear trees
22 turtle doves
30 French hens
36 colly birds
40 golden ring-necked pheasants
42 laying geese
42 swimming swans
40 maids
40 cows
36 dancing ladies
30 leaping lords
22 pipers
22 pipes
12 drummers
12 drums

The grand total is 450 gifts sent by an out-of-control George who became much less a lassie's true love with his extravagance.

According to PNC Bank, which has kept a running total on what all this would cost, with inflation, the 2011 value of all these gifts would be about $101,100.00.

With all that to spend, George should have just gone to Jared's!

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Phillip Pullman, Author of Children's Books and an Atheist

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